Our Adoption story

Okay, so this is like three months late, but when you have a little one things get put on the back burner. Okay, I also have a really difficult time sharing this story because it brings up so much emotion, both good and bad. I am going to share with you my whole adoption story. Now I left out some details, but I think you will get the jist. I needed to write this more for me than any one else. It is kind of theraputic. Anyway here goes:

Well, Aaron and I have been married almost seven years (in June). About a year after we got married we knew we wanted to add children to our family. I have never had a normal cycle so right away I went to a fertility specialist. I was told that I have polycystic Ovarian syndrome. Which, in my case, means that I dont ovulate and then mean that I can not get pregnant. Well I was told that I have a very classic case of polycystic and that it should not be very hard to get me pregnant. well Several test, several maxium doses of clomid, Several thousands of dollars spent, and about three years later we were still not pregnant. By this time I was emotionally spent. I couldnt get poked or proded any longer. Aaron and I prayed very hard and felt that we could love any child that comes into our home and so we decided to adopt.

This has been the best and most trying descision of my life. Aaron and got all of our paperwork in and got approved in several months. As soon as we were approved, some missionaries in our church found a couple that wanted to give up thier baby for adoption. Her name was Darlene and she had cheated on her husband and did not feel that the baby would be a good thing in thier marriage. She decided right away that she wanted us to adopt her baby. We lived just a few blocks away from her so we were able to help them out a lot. We became very good friends. On November 17th they called us to pick them up. Darlene was going into Labor. We were at the hospital the whole time- not in the room but waiting outside. Little Logan (that is what I named him) was born that evening. I got to hear his first cry and hold him while he got his first shots. I got to help bathe him and calm him when he was sad. We called our family and friends to give them the news. We were so excited. We spent some time with the birth family and headed home to get some sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I just felt that something was not right. You know that gut feeling, well I had it. I tried everything to ignore it but I felt horrid. We knew we had to wait 24 hours for the birthmom to sign relinquishment papers and out case manager said that he would like to visit with the birthparent before we went to the hospital to visit again. I think he must have had a feeling too. A few hours later we got the call to say that the birthmom had changed her mind. And that is when I think i broke down. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. I lost my baby. I had made my connection with this child before he was born and I even held him in my arms. My heart was broken. I called up my mom and told her the news. She dropped everything she was doing and drove an hour to come to see me. She held me in her arms and let me cry as much as I needed. I hope she knows how much I needed her at that point. Wow! I am crying as I writing this. This was so difficult for me and I know Aaron struggled as well, but I truly believe that our faith, our family, and our friends were what helped us through the grief.

So in result of that, we took some time off of activly trying to adopt (we were still on the waiting list) and just spent time with each other to heal. About a year later we got a phone call from our adoption agency saying we needed to renew our paperwork so we did and then another six months passed and we started to actively get involved in the adoption process again. We met up with our new case manager and just visited and talked about our history.

In late September 2008 we recieved an email from a birthmom, asking us some questions. We were very excited and replied back immediately. Weeks later we had gotten no reply and we just figured it was another dead end. But...In late October 2008 we recieved a phone call from our case manager saying we had been selected and in a short few months we would be able to have a new baby boy. We exchanged emails with the birth mom for two and half months. We even met in person (she lived in Utah). The meeting was wonderful and confirmed the wonderful feelings I was having. But because of what I had experienced, I was terrified of what could happen. I have never prayed so hard in my entire life and know that my family and friends were praying too. I was so scared and sad sometimes that it was hard to leave home. I was so afraid of getting my heart broken again, but I had to take the risk. God has a plan for all of us and I knew that he would not give me more than I could handle. I was handling it but sometimes not so good. On January 6th I recieved a phone call from the birthmoms mom saying that she was going into labor and we needed to drive to Utah right away. I called Aaron and Packed up the car and drove to Utah that night. We had Horrible weather. We left Laramie at three and got to Utah at eleven that night. I was expecting a baby to be born by the time we arrived, but the birth mom had not gone into labor yet. So we stayed and visited till two in the morning and then found a hotel and crashed expecting to get a phone call anytime. We woke up the next morning at nine and threw clothes on as quick as we could and drove to the hospital. She had not had the baby yet and they were thinking of sending her home. Aaron and I decided to go to lunch and visit my sister, who lived 30 minutes away. My sister was not there but my mom was there(my sister was having a baby the same time- she came down for the both of us). We were there for 15 minutes when we got a phone call saying to get to the hospital because the baby was coming and soon. We got to the hospital and 30 minutes later Gabriel Aaron Howe was born. We got to be in the room and experience the whole birth. It was amazing. I was the first to hold him and I was there when he got his first bath. The nurses were great and so was the birthmom. We were able to spend as much time with Gabriel as we wanted and even got a special room to spend time alone with him, but we had to go back to my sisters and stay the night. And then the waiting game. We had to wait 24 hours from the time Gabriel was born to have the birthmom sign the relinquishment papers. So we went to my sisters and slept (I slept really well). The next day we shopped for gifts for the birthmom (I have to say she is an amazing person) and then went to sign our part of the papers. And then we all headed to the hospital to wait and see if the birthmom would sign the papers. We had to wait in the waiting room while she signed papers. It took 30 minutes and they were the longest minutes of my life, but when her case manager came in the waiting room with a smile on her face, I was the happiest woman in the world. We went and had a small relinquishment ceremony, where the birthmom handed us our son for the very first time. We spent a lot of time in that room and it is a memory I will always cherish. The next day we got to take Gabriel from the hospital and the rest is history. In three more months the adoption will be finalized and I cannot wait!